despair:to loose all hope........

You ever have a day where you just feel like not even getting out of the bed?? Like you are just not even up to drinking coffee...a day where if anyone just glances in your direction, you're unsure if you would or would not just punch them in the face?!?  yeah, well today is my day.    

I feel like today, it's just not worth it. I know it is,  God would not have let me live to see today if it was not worth it.  

Maybe Im just having a pitty party, who knows. I guess we all wake up every now and then feeling like this. I know I do. 

Ive been battling with myself for a few days. I'm unhealthy, in many different ways.... I smoke, I drink, I swear, I do not have a good relationship with God.  I really want to fix all of this. I guess it takes me being in *this* mood in order to do that. It takes me just hating myself in order to fix myself. You can't love others unless you love yourself right?!? ehhh.... I dont know how true that really is. But i'll go with it for now.  I've been doing alot of thinking..... You know the elusive "what if's", that i'm sure we all go through.... Well, my "what if's" aren't really in the greatest path........but again, it's just thoughts...  I guess now that I've got the littlest one able to actually take a nap during the day, that I will start using that nap time to work on myself. 

So, here is my plan. 
        1. im going to start exercising on my treadmill during nap time(maybe that will give me a little bit more energy)
        2. Im going to start reading my Bible. Im hoping that by doing so, I will be able to find the "LOVE" in me that I once had that leads me to find a church that I love. A fellowship of other like-minded people. 
        I guess that is really it for now. I'll work on those two things, then I'll start some different one's.  I've been in such a dark place for a good time, that it is actually starting to hurt my heart. Funny thing is that I didn't even realize I was IN that dark place. Today............Today I just want to go lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling, but instead I will get up, shower, get dressed (well put p.j's on-cause that is what I clean in) and go on with my day in hopes that my mood changes... if not, then oh well, there's always tomorrow... Wow, well.... really there isn't. You never know....... you never know..........