despair:to loose all hope........

You ever have a day where you just feel like not even getting out of the bed?? Like you are just not even up to drinking coffee...a day where if anyone just glances in your direction, you're unsure if you would or would not just punch them in the face?!?  yeah, well today is my day.    

I feel like today, it's just not worth it. I know it is,  God would not have let me live to see today if it was not worth it.  

Maybe Im just having a pitty party, who knows. I guess we all wake up every now and then feeling like this. I know I do. 

Ive been battling with myself for a few days. I'm unhealthy, in many different ways.... I smoke, I drink, I swear, I do not have a good relationship with God.  I really want to fix all of this. I guess it takes me being in *this* mood in order to do that. It takes me just hating myself in order to fix myself. You can't love others unless you love yourself right?!? ehhh.... I dont know how true that really is. But i'll go with it for now.  I've been doing alot of thinking..... You know the elusive "what if's", that i'm sure we all go through.... Well, my "what if's" aren't really in the greatest path........but again, it's just thoughts...  I guess now that I've got the littlest one able to actually take a nap during the day, that I will start using that nap time to work on myself. 

So, here is my plan. 
        1. im going to start exercising on my treadmill during nap time(maybe that will give me a little bit more energy)
        2. Im going to start reading my Bible. Im hoping that by doing so, I will be able to find the "LOVE" in me that I once had that leads me to find a church that I love. A fellowship of other like-minded people. 
        I guess that is really it for now. I'll work on those two things, then I'll start some different one's.  I've been in such a dark place for a good time, that it is actually starting to hurt my heart. Funny thing is that I didn't even realize I was IN that dark place. Today............Today I just want to go lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling, but instead I will get up, shower, get dressed (well put p.j's on-cause that is what I clean in) and go on with my day in hopes that my mood changes... if not, then oh well, there's always tomorrow... Wow, well.... really there isn't. You never know....... you never know..........

whoop whoop

Okay so I finally got my laptop replaced. I got a downgrade, which kinda erks me. My *baby girl* had a webcam and all kinds of other bells and whistles, no scratches, no dents, now... the green machine (literally a green laptop) looks like it came out of a strippers *fine china* dropped on the floor and then kicked across the bar. lol BUT it works, so I will be thankful and not too greedy! So, let's see, what's new??!! Honey Buney ((wow, really?!!!! Apparently I dont have enough coffee in me because I 1-cant think of a cute name for my love and 2-can't spell **bunny**)) aAANEEEEWAYS, hb is doing pretty good with his new job, on the weekends i get to be in charge of not only the kids, my errands that I need to run, but also the phone! lol it's a tad bit stressful, which means that I rarely try and go anywhere because well i would rather just sit here and answer phone than be driving or in a store with the hammies(my kids) and have to *handle* everything at once. Thank GOD for my oldest boy...Super Z is so helpful! He really jumps in and helps me out when that dang phone rings. lol and boogie bear, oh man, it's hilarious, he hears the phone ring and screams "daddy's phone!!!" oh the joys! ohkay so I have some goals.... resolutions... errrr, dreams... 1... stop smoking 2... exercise...period 3... play more games with my kids 4... spend more time with my kids 5... run a 5k!!! and there is one coming up... i really wanted to do a mud run, but never got around to doing it, so, here is the one that i think looks like a huge ball of fun~!~ http://www.colormerad.com/races/jacksonville.html